The WHAT of the Caribbean?
by Pen Pen the Magical Penguin
Summary: Yes, another POTC parody. But this one involves spaceships and giant converse. Enjoy! Rated PG-13 for..you know..just in case I feel the need to humor you with less-than-perfect language. Oh yeah, chappy 11 is now up. ;D
1. The Black Apollo Introduced

Blah blah blah I, as well as every other fanfic author own none of the characters except our own and I hate disclaimers blah blah..

Anyways

*****

Camera closes up on baby Elizabeth. AKA Elizabeth as a child..not a baby. She's singing, shaking her preteen body whilst singing a number one hit, "It's peanut butter jelly time1 Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? There he go! There he go! Now peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly.." 

Gibbs comes up behind her and grabs her shoulder. 

"What are you doing, child?" He askes in dissapointment and shock. "You dance like THIS!"

He claps and the music goes from hip hop to Irish and the light dim onto him. He is now clad in black. He starts riverdancing. This only goes on a few seconds before the whole crew joins in. Arms now interlocking, Gibbs jumps in front right before the music ends and lands on one knee with arms outspread.

Elizabeth stares in fear. 

"DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK FOR THE WHOLE CREW TO JUST UP AND START DANCING WITH FOREIGN MUSIC?!? Even though you were pretty good.."

Just then, everyone hears a strange noise then a huge splash. Fire abrupts into a HUGE blaze, then dies out half a second later. The remains look like something from a movie.

"What..is it?" Gibbs asked..

"I..think it's a space ship." Elizabeth answered.

"Hm. I'm going to pretend those aren't going to be invented 300 years from now."

Norrington comes up. "Hey look! That whale's pretty funny looking, huh?"

Elizabeth looks into the water. 

"Look! A boy!" 

Gibbs looks into the water and becomes shocked. Norrington turns around.

"WHERE?!?!"

They've both learned to ignore him.

Elizabeth had a great idea. "Look! Let's save him even though he might have rabies, or a gun and try to kill us all, k?"

"K" The men both agreed.

They throw ropes and crap blah blah blah finally the boy looks up.

"Hey, dumbasses, I'm from outerspace. I have rabies and a gun and I am gonna kill you all, k? Oh..by the way, I can levitate." The boy levitated onto the boat and layed on his back. "Now I'm passed out like in the script."

"Yay!" Elizabeth squealed. "Now in a few years, I can fall in love with you!"

"I smell cheese." Norrington blurted.

Elizabeth's father comes onto the scene.

"Yo, mah name is Swann, with two n's. Not like the bird, and my first name's not Ken!" He blurted with a huge headset on and pretending to DJ.

"Nor-ring-ton, you're not to quick. Get away from my daughter 'fo I have your.."

"DADDY!"

"Right, I'm outta here, I'm doin' fine. Rather be hated than be doin' time."

He leaves. Norrington leaves, also. Elizabeth goes over to the boy. She gropes him looking for some medallion that tells what he is and she would be killed if anyone found out she had it. The boy woke up.

"Uhhh massage?" Elizabeth tries to explain why she was all over him.

"K" He replies.

"Hey..what's your name?"

"My name is Kippabibblecheesesingasongofsixpenceyourmom."

Elizabeth stares.

"I'm gonna call you Will."

"K."

"Yeah um I'm Elizabeth."

During the whole fiasco onboard, everyone fails to notice the hundreds of these spacepeople falling out of their ship and some jumping out into the water making them evaporate. Cooooooooooooool.

Elizabeth punches 'Will' in the face to knock him out again to she can probe--err search him some more. She finds his underwear to say: "Hi! I am an alien. I am going to kill you. My name is unpronouncable, but I have been given an earth name. It is Will. I have a gun and rabies and will fall in love with an earthling named Elizabeth. These underwear are a key to.."

That was all it said. The rest was worn off. She used the magic she'd been practicing from that box her dad got her for her birthday. She took his tighty whities off him like that magic tablecloth trick and shoved the pants in her pocket. As she did that, she saw something..different. Something almost like the spaceship that crashed only a few minutes earlier. There was a huge neon sign on top of it flashing: "This is the cursed Black Apollo version 3,562.0"

Her eye's the focal point thing blah blah..

  



	2. All Growed Up

You know the deal

*****

Elizabeth wakes up to find herself a young adult. She looks down at her body.

"The hell?"

Last thing she knew she was 10 and making out with an alien..I mean..meeting someone new. She heard a noise. It was glass breaking. She lookes at her window. A huge green apple flew through the window. A note was attatched: "D00d, w3 c0m3 1n p33c3! 0h, w417, NM." -Barbossa.

"Nice." She threw it out the window. Not a second later, she heard a cat screeching. "Whoops."

But, all of a sudden, some teenage girl (named Adrienne) came into Elizabeth's room running, singing some song. Elizabeth tried to cover her much-revealed self with sheets as the girl continues to sing: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly. I dont think you're ready for this jelly.." as she jumps out the window, and you also hear a cat screech.

"The hell?" Elizabeth questions again. Then her father busts the door open.

She grabs the family dog that appears only once and holds him in front of her lower torso to block the view of the underwear she had put on.

"Yo my daughter, listen to me speak. You gotta go and change so your clothes don't reek. I got you some new shoes, so take the stage. Cause when you're in London, they're all the rage!"

She goes behind the dressing wall where she opens the box. There are black low top converses. The maids help her get them on. After about a half hour,

"Daddy, I think these shoes are..too big."

She walks out from behind the dressing wall with the tips of her shoes coming out so when she walks she trips right on her face.

"The women in London must have gigantic feet. Or incredible balance." Elizabeth mirked.

"Well my child, do not fret. You will find these useful, don't forget." Mr. Swann..excuse me, Swanny P., replied. A strange guy who makes an appearance only once barged in.

"Governor, there's someone to see you." he informed.

"Look at that, what do you know? Swanny P. has got to go. Catch ya, kid, on the flip side. Cause to the ceremony, I am your ride." He leaves the room and goes downstairs.

She looked in a mirror to try to get used to her new shoes. 

"I'm never gonna get used to these." she thought to herself. 

***

Will faced 'Swanny P.' and gave him a box.

"Open it, sir." he suggested. 'Swanny P.' opened the box and moved the tissue paper to find a yo-yo.

"Thanks young man, you're so nice. But whatever shall I do with this device?" 

Will showed him how to use it. He slipped his finger through the hole and jerked the yo-yo.

"See. Perfectly balanced." Will explained.

"Willie boy, you're so great. You made this for me, for this special date."

Will raised an eyebrow. 

"Sure.."

Just then Elizabeth walked down the stairs, trying with all her might to keep her balance, but on the second step down, she tripped over the toe of one of the shoes! She tumbled down the stairs and opened her eyes to a handsome, yet slightly greenish character.

"Dayummm" Her father exclaimed. "Look at you! You's some hot shiz! Too bad I fathered you, my dear Liz."

Elizabeth gets a little weirded out.

"I might have to agree with your father, Elizabeth. Minus the..fathered part. You do look exquisite."

"Will, I had a dream about you last night." Elizabeth said seductively.

"Really?" Will reacts with suprise.

"Wait a minute, hold it, child. Something like this could be way too wild." Her father butted in.

"It was about you and me skipped town and went to all the bars and casinos and had a grand ol' time. We spent lots of money but lost it all and on our last shilling, we got rich! Then we got drunk in a bar and made out. Wouldn't it have been wild if it weren't just a dream?" Elizabeth said seductively.

"Of course, Elizabeth." Will replied.

"How many times must I ask you to call me Slut?" Elizabeth questioned angrily.

"At least once more. Like always." Will replied.

  



	3. And Introducing Mr Smith

Camera shoots 4 pirate skeletons still clad in their clothes. One's arm is positioned in the waving position. One's holding a sign saying "I survived Port Royal!" One's legs are posotioned as if he died riverdancing (A/N: as you may have noticed, I find great humor in riverdance.), and the last is hanging by it's feet as if it were either trying to escape or if they were drunk and walked on his hands rather than his feet. There's a fifth area for another skeleton where there is a sign saying: "If you are a pirate, don't enter here. Especially if your name is Jack Sparrow."

"It's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." A voice corrected. We see that this voice belonged to, well, Captain Jack Sparrow. He steps on a lever labeled: Pirates: step on this to stop the boat and park perfectly. The floor where he was standing ejected and threw him onto the port. He got up and in front of his face was a sign that read: PORT ABELLA you are here. And it had a little star right where he was.

"Wow..how did they KNOW that??" He asked to himself. The harbormaster comes up to him.

"It's a dollar..I mean shilling to park here. Still gotta get used to this whole..pirate thing. Oh, and I need a name." the harbormaster informed Jack.

"How about I give you three shillings and we forget the name?" Jack asked.

"K. Welcome to Port Abella, Mr. Smith."

The ceremony is occuring. Jack hears clapping. Elizabeth looks sick. Jack gets on a ship and holds the wheel. He feels so at peace whilst doing this, he suddenly broke out in song.

"I like to sing-a. About the moon-a and the June-a and the spiring-a. I like to sing-a about a sky of blue and a tea for two.."

Then two guards came up.

"Hi my name is Murtogg."

"My name is Mullroy."

"Well hello" Jack replies and dances to himself.

"This dock is off limits to people who look like you." Murtogg informed.

"Oh sorry." Jack puts on one of those glasses with the big nose and a moustache and goes back to steering.

"Hello, who are you?" Mullroy asked, oblivious to the fact that this was someone else.

"Um, Bob?" Jack responded.

"K."

"You idiot, Mullroy. It's the same guy. You aren't allowed up there. Get down here!"

"So..you guys upset that you weren't invited to the who-doo up at the fort, eh?" Jack asks. Mullroy starts to cry a little bit.

"Yes.." He hugs Murtogg and starts to cry on his shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay, Mully." Murtogg reassured him. "He's a little sensitive."

"Alright..then.." Jack replied, somewhat confused.

"Anyways, this ship has a built in pirate detector when it turns on. Captain Norrington is going to use it to destroy all the pirates. Oh, this will be fun."

Mullroy gets up from Murtogg's shoulder with no evidence as to have been crying.

"Commodore." 

He puts his head back on Murtogg's shoulder and starts to bawl again.

"Right, Commodore Norrington." Murtogg corrects.

"Anyways, so this idea COMMODORE has for this boat is a fine goal. But the Hauntless makes this boat seem a wee bit superfluous." Jack stated. Murtogg and Mullroy both take out their guns and shoot at Jack.

"Ship!" 

"Besides. No other boat, including the Hauntless is THIS fast." Murtogg informed.

"Really, now? I've heard of a ship that's supposed to be pretty fast..nigh uncatchable. The Black Apollo? Granted, it's a SPACEship and won't be invented for another 300 years.."

"HAHAHAHAHHAHHHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHA. I'm talking this is the fastest REAL ship." Mullroy scoffs.

"What are you talking about? The Black Apollo is real." Mortogg argued.

"Have you seen it?" 

"Yes."

"No you haven't."

They argue for the next 45 minutes. They ended argument with no winner and just a couple of confused men.

"What is your name, anywho?" Murtogg asks.

"Um, Bob?" Jack replies.

"So what 'cha doin, Bob?" Mullroy asks.

"I'm a pirate and I'm gonna rob you all and kill you and then go to Tortuga, pick up some pirates and do more pirating."

Murtogg pulls out his gun again and shoots at Jack. "No lies, I said!"

Mullroy pulls out his gun and shoots at Murtogg. "I don't think hes lying!"

They argue for a half hour about this. 

"Unless he knew you guys were dumbasses and wouldn't beleive the truth." Jack interrupted.

Murtogg and Mullroy consider this. 

  


  


  


A/N: I am aware that I may have some scenes out of order.

  



	4. The Shoes That Saved a Life

  


  


Elizabeth starts wobbling. She tried to straighten herself out, but her 

shoes are much too large. 

"Errrr Emily, wanna dance?" Commandore Norrington asks Elizabeth.

"For the last time, it's Elizabeth." She replied. "But, akay."

"You're hot"

Elizabeth tried to balance herself, making it seem like she's backing 

away from him.

"No, sorry if I'm too foreward, but I must tell you.."

She is still wobbling.

"I want you to marry me and have my many love babies..cause you're 

like, a woman and stuff." Norrington closes his eyes to wish for the best. 

Elizabeth stumbles backwards and falls over the wall and lands in the 

water below.

"So..Elle," Norrington, still eyes closed, gets on one knee. "Will you 

be my bitch?" He opens his eyes and stands up and throws the ring on 

the ground. "WILL YOU BE MY BITCH?!?!" He then sees that she's not there. 

He looks around him, but can't find her. He looks over the wall and 

sees two objects that look like waterskis. He imagines waterskiing for a 

second and starts to drool. Razor(I mean Gilette) slaps him across the 

face.

"Norry, you're supposed to save her!"

"Oh yeah. My dearly beloved Elise!" He goes to the wall, about to jump 

in to save her as Gilette grabs his arm.

"The nudists! She's lucky she missed them!"

Norrington looks down and realises Gillette is right this time. He 

jumps down and runs.

***

MEANWHILE

Jack, Mullroy and Murtogg watch her fall. Mullroy holds up a sign 

saying: 4.6, Murtogg's sign says: 5.2, Jack's: 7.4

"Well, she's hot" Jack defends.

Murtogg and Mullroy look at eachother, mumble, shrug and agree. 

Silence.

"Well aren't you gonna save her??" Jack asked.

"I..can't swim" Mullroy replied. 

"Well..I can, but I can't wash my L'Oreal haircolor for men yet." 

Murtogg informs.

***

MEANWHILE

Norrington and other men climb down the rocks to try to save Elizabeth. 

Norrington shouts, "Erica? Erica?!" to try to find her.

"It's ELIZABETH you dumbass," the others corrected, irritated.

However they try, they won't be able to get to Elizabeth in time.

***

Jack has no choice but to save her. He pretends to scowl, but we all 

know that he's overjoyed to do it. He hands Murtogg and Mullroy his 

pistol from his sword belt, his sword belt, earrings, bandana, banana, a 

monkey, sea monkies, a tooth, a gold tooth cap, his left shoe, string, 

floss, a watch, a laptop computer, a TREASURE NAVIGATING SYSTEM, car keys, 

stereo, the lyrics to 'A Pirate's Life For Me,' a sandwich and a 

medallion. 

"Don't lose these."

He then jumps in the water to look for Elizabeth. 

Elizabeth just floats there, her enormous shoes used as floats, but her 

head engulged in the water. The current swipes the underwear off of her 

body. Jack finds her (although who couldn't?) and wraps his arm around 

her. He tries to swim to shore, but for some reason, can't. He looks at 

her and discovers the problem. He slips her shoes off her. They sink. 

It lightens the load making it easier to swim. Jack and Elizabeth reach 

Murtogg and Mullroy. The two reach down to help Elizabeth up out of the 

water. Mullroy grabs her arm, Murtogg goes for the same one. 

"I reached her first!" Mullroy yells to Murtogg.

"No you didn't! I did!" Murtogg yells back.

They argue for 27 minutes about this, but, meanwhile, a female pirate 

captain swoops in, grabs Elizabeth, lands her safely on the dock, smiles 

at Jack, and swoops back onto her ship. She steers it away with the 

name on the back of it. 

"The Black Pearl. What a beautiful boat name." Jack says lustily. 

"She..was amazing. Where did she come from??"

He pulled himself onto the docks. He brought himself to look at 

Elizabeth. She started to breathe, but not before coughing up a storm. Her 

dress is spewed everywhere because if it's weight with water. It's lifted 

enough to show the underwear.

"The UNDERWEAR!" Jack shouts at Elizabeth. "Where did you get them!?"

But before she could answer, a light saber is at Jack's throat. Infact, 

this happens to be Norrington's ceremonial light saber! 

"Up, bitch." Norrington demanded. "Did this prick try to take advantage 

of your bod.." a fly flies past Norry's face. His attention goes to the 

fly. The fly goes off and flies in circles. Norry tries to chase it.

"No, I'm peachy." Elizabeth assured. Norry was far away chasing the fly 

so Elizabeth had to yell. "Do you intend to kill my rescuer?"

Norry is running in circles and jumping, clapping his hands to catch 

the beast when he hears Elizabeth calling him.

"Thanks." He goes to shake Jack's hand. but accidentally grabs his 

sleeve and in an attempt to shake, he rips it off revealing a tatoo which 

reads: Hello I'm a pirate and I will kill you. Also, I will take your 

money and advantage of your wives then get slapped multiple times.

"Oh look at this tatoo! It's so pretty. I like the butterfly!" Norry 

drooled over the tatoo. Jack looked at it to see what butterfly he was 

talking about. There was none.

"Dude, PIRATE. It bloody says PIRATE!" Jack yelled at the idiot.

They then pants the poor pirate and to their suprise they find a tattoo 

on his posterior: If you are reading this, then you are reading the 

tattoo of Captain Jack Sparrow.

"Uh..Jack Sparrow? WHERE?!" Norry questions as if filled with anger.

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you." Jack corrected as he pulled up his 

pants.

"So..where's your boat, CAPTAIN?" Norry asks Jack.

"He's gonna commandeer one." Murtogg replies. Mullroy holds out Jack's 

belt. Norrington examines the pistol. 

"Lalala!" He takes the gun and runs around the dock with it. All the 

responsable people try to get the gun away from him before he causes any 

damage. They finally get it from him to find it to be a watergun. Nice. 

Norrington's attention goes to something shiney.

"Oooooohhhhhhhhhh..." He reaches for the compass. Murtogg slaps his 

hand as he doesn't want anything to happen. Mullroy takes the compass, 

turns it around, and realises the defect.

Every thing it points to is 'Treasure.'

"You are the worse jellyfish I've ever heard of, Jerry Springer!" 

Norrington exclaims.

"Um, it's Captain Jack Sparrow, and..I'm a PIRATE." Jack corrected the 

moron.

"Whatever"

"Yeah..but you HAVE heard of me."

"How can I not? You're plastered all over the news."

"K."

Gillette approaches with sausage links.

"Careful." Norry reminds Gillette.

"Commodore, this man saved my life. Well, with the help of my humongous 

shoes." Elizabeth winked at her dad when she said shoes and gave him a 

'thumbs up.'

"Oh, k." Norry replies. Gillette comes up to Jack and ties the sausages 

around his wrists.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Comes a voice.

  


  


Who's it from? What happens next? You'll have to wait for the next 

chappy!

  



	5. Captain Cheesehead and a Eunuch

  


  


  


Everyone looks to the southeast. They see a young pirate girl. 

Norrington arms himself..in the wrong direction. The pirate girl stops running.

"Aye, I be Captain Cheesehead an' I shall be saving ye fellow pirate." 

She explained to Jack as she ran towards him and started to untie the 

sausages..by eating them. This made Norry mad, so he kicked her into the 

water. She wasn't ready to submerge yet, so she gasped while falling, 

filling her lungs up with water. She drowns.

"Bummer." Elizabeth mourns.

"She was hot." Jack stated. "Too bad necrophilia's outlawed."

Everyone stared at him.

"On with the..pirating thing?" Jack tried to get off the subject.

"Oh yeah, yeah," Everyone mumbled as they resumed position. Jack looks 

in the water every now and then. "That sucks." He says to himself.

It takes a lot of sausage to tie jack up, as Commodore Norrington has 

found sausage to be a delecious snack and had been munching on the 

links. Elizabeth whips out a fly swatter and swats Norry on the head. "Stop 

it now!"

After Jack has finally been tied up, some of the men come forth armed 

with their rifles. Out of desperation, jack thinks of a diversion. He 

points behind the men.

"Look! A blimp!"

Everyone looks in the direction of where Jack's pointing. "BLIMP?!?!"

When they are not looking, Jack wraps the sausage link chain around 

Elizabeth's neck, using her as a sheild. They finally realise that there 

is no blimp and turn around.

"Damn..there was no bli...ELIZABETH!" They are shocked to see Elizabeth 

blocking Jack.

"DAMNIT! We gotta stop falling for that one," One of the gunmen 

complained.

"Give me my stuff." Jack demanded. He, for once, felt in charge. 

Mullroy hands the stuff to Norrington, who hands it back to Mullroy.

"No, idiot, not back to me, give the stuff to Jack!"

"Ohh.." Norry replied. "Wait, who's Jack?"

Blah blah Elizabeth put's Jack's belt on him, he backs up..

"You guys will always remember this as the day you almost caught 

Capt..aaaiiiinnnnnn...." 

Jack falls into the water and lands next to a nudist.

"Hey!" She slapps him.

"BERTHA? Oh, I difinately deserved that one.." He swims away and gets 

on boat after boat until he's out of sight.

"Are you okay, whore?" Norry asks her.

"Just..fine." She glares.

"Elizabeth, it's getting a little nippy. Take my coat..don't mind the 

zippy...zipper" her father suggests.

"Thank you, father, for the gesture, but..It sux0r. It's a total 

fashion statement." 

"Fasho"

Little elves in packs come by on the ground..like fog. The men nod to 

eachother; it's time to move on. Jack watches from under the docks, 

still clad in sausages.

***

Jack sneaks into a toy store slash Star Wars convention place. The 

place looks barren, but it's light and many colorful toys are around. There 

is a dark corner, however, around the door with a bright neon sign 

saying 'STAR WARS GEEKS.' But there lies a man clad in Darth Vader apparrel 

with his belly poking out of costume. Sleeping. Jack kicks him in the 

face. Darth, takes the sausage links from around Jack's wrists and eats 

them. While sleeping.

"How convenient." Jack mumbles.

He goes to the yo-yo section. He takes one and starts doing all kinds 

of tricks. He was a yo-yo champ in his youth, you know. But all of a 

sudden, Jack hears the door knob turn, so he looks for a place to hide. He 

dives into a space labeled, "Jack Sparrow, Pirate, hide here." Then you 

hear a faint, 'It's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow."

Will enters. He goes straight to the yo-yo section for he, too, has a 

yo-yo fetish. He goes to grab his favorite to notice it gone. He looks 

all around him on the verge of tears to find it on the floor next to 

Jack's hideout. He goes to pick it up...

"That's not where I left you."

...when he feels a slap on his arm. A light saber cut through Will's 

flesh and through the bone-like matter tearing it off. 

"AAAAHHHHHH" He yells out a girlish scream. "Huh, oh, yeah.." He lifts 

up his sleeve remnants and watches the arm grow back. "Lalala" 

He and the pirate's eyes meet. Jack jumps out of the pit and backs Will 

to the door. 

"You're the one they're hunting..the PIRATE!"

"Yep"

"K"

Will assumes an en garde position. Jack does the same, but becomes 

unhappy when he realises Will knows what he's doing. They start the fight. 

Yo-yos here, yo-yos there. Walk the dog, Cat's cradle, you name it. 

"You know what you're doing." Jack informs.

They turn in circles to face the exact opposite positions they were in 

earlier. Jack is now by the door. He goes to reach for the handle to 

get out, but Will 'Shoots The Moon.' The yo-yo ties itself around the 

knobs. Jack tries to open the door, but has no luck. He tries to untie the 

string, but, again, no luck. He turns around to face Will.

"Again, you are standing between me and my way out. And without a 

weapon." Jack explains.

Will picks up a new yo-yo from the stand behind him (how convenient) 

and they duel again. Jack notices the toy store/Star Wars Convention 

Meeting Place is no ordinary toy store/Star Wars Convention Meeting Place, 

it's a YO-YO STORE/Star Wars Convention Meeting Place.

"Who MAKES all these??" Jack asks.

"I do." Will replies. "And I practice with them at least 12 hours a 

day."

"You've GOT to get yourself a bitch."

"Yeah, I know..but guys like me can't.."

"Why not?

"Because..because.." Will starts to tear up. "I'm a eunuch."

"Aw, poor guy." Jack reinstates. Jack takes his arm around Will's nack 

and sets him and himself down on a platform and talk it all out.

"Why, there have been MANY famous eunuchs!" Jack finishes.

"Really?!" Will's eyes widen.

"Yeah..like..um..Blackbeard!"

"WOW!"

"And..erm..Captain Kidd..Oh, and Bootleg Bill!"

"Neat-o! So there were a lot of eunuchs, LIKE ME!"

"uh..yeah." They go to hug, as sailors fill the room.

"Thank you, strange, green, elf-man, for the capture of a vicious 

primate." One stated to Will. Another soldier whispers in his ear. "Hm? Oh, 

I mean pirate, not primate." They grab Jack by the ear and drag him 

outside and give him two paddles on the rump.

"What do you think you're doing, influencing this young boy?!" Another 

sailor interrogated.

"I..dunno." Jack responded.

"I beleive you will remember this as the day.." Norrington drools. Jack 

snaps his fingers in front of Norry's face. "..that Captain Jack 

Springer almost escaped."

"Eh, that's a little closer. Work on SPARROW next time, Einstein." Jack 

corrected.

  



	6. WHAT? No Rap?

In the sky, getting bigger and bigger..or is it just getting closer? 

Anyways, there is a black cylendar object. It has a white moon on it. 

Aye, the Black Apollo is making way to Port Abella. WOAH WHATS THIS 

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO..THE BLACK APOLLO IS CRASHING INTO THE PORT NOOO AHHHHH.

**IN THE SWANN HOUSE**

The maid takes a bedpan out of the closet and puts it under the 

mattresses. You hear a ting, ting, drip, drip. "Ahhhh"

"Thank you, woman-servent." Elizabeth nods to the maid.

The maid runs out of the room. Elizabeth laughs manically, rubbing her 

hands together. "Hahahaha..OW! MY CALLUS!"

She stops laughing and decides to play on her new Playstation 8357297, 

toying with the underwear every now and then. The light from the candle 

starts to dim. 

"CRAP! Woman-servant!" Elizabeth cries.

The maid runs up the stairs, and out of breath she replies with a gasp 

and gritting her teeth, "What is it, PRINCESS?"

"Ugh, the candle went out."

The maid glares at Elizabeth, not taking her eyes off her as she raises 

her hand a bit and flips on the light switch.

"There, happy?"

"Yes." Elizabeth goes back to playing her game.

***

Jailhouse.

A sliver of cheese is guarding a ring of keys on the opposite side of 

the room as the prisoners, who try to coax the cheese to bring over the 

keys. "Come on, boy, COME ON!"

"You know, that cheese is not going to come if you coax it like that." 

Jack informs from a cell all by himself.

"Well we ain..you know what, you're right." They all stop yelling and 

hang their heads in shame.

"That's better." 

***

An enormous feather hangs from a machine in the courtyard. Norrington 

and Mr. Swann walk along the far wall.

"Nor-ring-ton, my daughter's upset. You didn't ask her to wed you, I 

bet." 'Swanny P.' felt concerned.

"Well I, uhhhh...wait. What?" Norrington replied.

"Nevahmind."

In the distance there's a loud BOOM. Norrington looks around 

frantically. He pees his pants.

**

"Ar what be that noise?" Jack asks from his cell.

All of a sudden, the spirit of the female pirate mentioned earlier that 

drowned appeared.

"Jack, those are helmet bombs. They are form the Black Apollo. They 

will blow up Port Abella." She answers.

"CAPTAIN Jack, savvy? And thank you." He answers. "Now to get out of 

here."

When all of a sudden, a helmet bomb blasts through the wall of the 

jail. 

"How convenient." Jack crawls through to freedom.

**

In the Toy store/Star Wars Convention Place. Will grabs a Nerf gun and 

a yo-yo. And another yo-yo. And a watergun. Will presses the 

'Wheelchair Accessable' button on the wall to open the double doors.

"Hehe, every time it does that, I get chills up and down my spine!" He 

giggled to himself.

The first thing he saw was a woman. She was being chased back and forth 

across the doorway by a no-limbed pirate/alien. He found this amusing 

and grabbed a chair and some popcorn. He realises this is a bad 

situation, so he gets out his Nerf and shoots at the pirate/alien. The 

styrofoam dart hits him in the forehead and he falls instantly and dies.

Will jerked his head towards the sky and flew his arms up. He laughed 

menacingly as lightning strikes and black clouds float by. He comes back 

to reality and the sky clears up.

"Well, that was fun." He walked off whistling, twirling his yo-yo.

**

Helmet bombs continue to hit Port Abella, as they decide to fire back. 

Cheese. They fire cheese at the space ship. 

"GOVERNOR! Barricade yourself in your.." Norry was about to say 

something intellegent, when a peice of chese caught his eye. He flailed to try 

to chase it.

"Hey..that's the closest we've gotten for Norrington to say something 

smart." Governor Swann observed. "OMG, I'M NOT RAPPING! NNNOOOOOO, dog."

**

In the Swann house.

Elizabeth is in her bedroom reading the latest 'Daughter of Lame 

Rapping Fathers' magazine. All of a sudden PIRATE/ALIENS INVADE HER HOUSE! 

They kill a few men here and there about the house.

"Eh, they were about to get fired anyways.." Elizabeth sighed. "Oh, 

this is where I run and get scared.."

She flails to her door and shuts it when she hears footsteps coming up 

the stairs. 

"Hey, slut. They've come to get you. The daughter of the governor would 

be very valuable." The maid says.

"Hm. You're right, womanservent." Elizabeth contemplates. "You should 

hide and run for the fort when the coast is clear."

"Wow, Elizabeth. You..actually care for me."

"Actually, no I don't. I am just saying that so if they find you, I can 

be free."

"Oh, k."

  


  



	7. Partay

Elizabeth shoves the maid in a small box behind a tall wardrobe. She 

runs for the side door. But the door to the bedroom smashes in revealing 

a couple pirate/aliens. They see the open door and run for it. One 

trips flat on his face.

"Ahhh" He cries.

"You stupid. Get up or we'll lose her." The other replies.

"Well, It's not that easy.."

He gets up and they continue running.

The pirate/alien named Pintel is the first through. The next thing he 

feels is the bedpan smaching in his face. He staggers back holding his 

nose. The maid jumps out of the box, and runs for the hall. The second 

comes in through the door, so Elizabeth swings the bedpan in his face, 

but he stops it. She gets an idea. She takes the lid off the pan and the 

pirate/alien is covered in urine. Ick. Elizabeth then runs towards the 

stairs. The pirate/aliens bust out of the bedroom to chase Elizabeth. 

Toreador plays in the background. Elizabeth, holding onto the rail with 

her hand has decided to slide down it. The second pirate/alien jumps in 

front of Elizabeth. He is wet, and smells icky. Pintel grabs her by the 

hair. She turns around and kicks him in the face and keeps on running.

Upstairs, Elizabeth shuts the doors and bolts them. She sees a cross of 

two light sabers above the mantel. She steps on a box to reach one of 

them, but it's stuck to the wall! Oh, poopie. 

The pirate/aliens bust into the room and look around. Elizabeth is 

disguising herself as a lamp by putting a lampshade over her head. The 

pirate/aliens don't notice.

"I know you're in herrreee" Lured Pintel. "I promise we wont hurt you."

"Yay!" The other cheered.

"Shh, I'm lying, beast!" 

"Oh..so you're gonna hurt her?"

"Um..ya."

"Poopie. K."

Pintel's attention goes to Elizabeth again. "We'll find you. You've got 

something of ours and it calls to us. We can SMELL it."

Elizabeth acknowledges this and grabs onto the underpants and whispers. 

"It's okay, boo. I won't let the evil men get you."

They hear her and go towards her/the lamp. They look around everywhere 

but where she is. 

"D'I can't seem to find her." One reports.

"Me either. Hmmmm.." Pintel replies.

Just then Elizabeth sneezes.

"Damnit."

"AHA!" Both the pirate/aliens screech.

"Hey, I know you want my underwear, but you're not supposed to get me 

yet, so..let me go downstairs where I meet up with you, k?" Elizabeth 

asks

"K"

She goes downstairs and leans on the dining table. She looks around. 

"PINTEL! THIS IS YOUR CUE!"

"Oh yeah.." He replies and walks over towards her.

"Oh, no. Footsteps." she says sarcastically.

Elizabeth gasps as the thinks of a despiration.

"Par-tay"

The pirate/aliens gasp.

"WHAT..DID YOU SAY?"

"Par-tay. You know..when I get to party because you dont kill me until 

I see your captain."

"I know..the code, and we must honor it."

**

Will is walking along the streets, with his waterguns, yo-yos, nerf 

guns etc..when he goes past the Swann house. He sees three figures playing 

Rock, Paper, Scissors. He goes to join in.

"Heyy guys! I wanna play!" Will interrupts.

"No. No you can't play. This is for US ONLY. YOU HAVE COOTIES!" Pintel 

replies to Will.

Will begins to cry.

"Oh, boy. Don't cry. Look, you can't play because this game is to 

determine who takes Elizabeth here to the captain."

"Oohhh gotcha." He walks off.

"Glad we got rid of that tard, eh?"

"Yeahhhh.."

**

This whole time Jack has been spying on Elizabeth, Will, and the Black 

Apollo looking for evidence of something for him to do. Yeah. Sure. 

I'll go with that.

Two pirate/aliens show up behind Jack. They are making out. Jack looks 

and sees them; the pirate/aliens see, stop, and pretend like they were 

just looking for something.

"Oh, here is my contact!" Koehler makes up a great excuse.

"Hey, there's that Jack Sparrow pirate." Twigg noticed.

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." Jack corrected.

"Last time I saw you, you were left to die in a pre-teen's bedroom 

listening to Britney Spears's records while she dances in almost no 

clothing and a shotgun with one bullet." Twigg states

"Hm..did you kill her and set the stereo on fire? I would have.." 

Koehler also asks.

"His fortune hasn't changed much." They chuckle a few times and stop. 

Crickets chirp.

"Riiight.." Jack is worried. "Um, die."

Koehler and Twigg didn't like this. Koehler grabbed Jack's neck as Jack 

belched. 

"Oh my gosh..excuse me." Jack was embarrassed.

Koehler turned into a..GASP...BACKSTREET BOY!

"So the curse..it is REAL..." Jack gasped as his eyes widen with 

fear..and disgust.

  


DUN DUN DUN....

  



	8. Elizabeth Cheesehead

Please, all comments will be appreciated, I worked hard on this. I love 

you all. P.S. I apologize for the crappy format of this story. It's a 

technical thing.

**************

Aboard the Black Apollo, lit by light sabers (because someone aimed a 

helmet bomb a cubis centimeter off and it hit the power switch and the 

power went out)

"Dumbass." Boobossa growls at/about whoever shot that bomb as he 

munches an apple.

Smoke hangs heavy around the whole ship. Raghetti stammers about the 

control room of the ship, coughing. 

"Goooooood stuff.." He chokes.

Pintel comes choking out the boat and nodding his head slowly while 

smiling. They both look up to see Boobossa watching them. They stand up 

erect and as sober as possible. They present a young woman clad in footie 

pajamas.

"I diziddizn't know we was taking captives, DAWG," a new, deep voice 

said.

"Dude, she pulled a par-tay." Pintel sighs.

"Poopie. Now we can't make her our human slave." The same voice, 

No'Sun, replied.

"We must now go to the Poop Deck." Pintel suggests.

Elizabeth laughs at this.

"Hahahahahahaha, POOP deck. POOP! HAHAHAH!!!"

Pintel and Raghetti snicker to eachother, being all whoo-ey.

"I am here to.." Elizabeth starts when No'Sun slaps her. She starts 

mouthing curse words at him until she goes into convulsions. Boobossa 

grabs No'Sun's arist and puts him in a headlock.

"You will NOT touch those under the protection of par-tay. Now, as 

punishment, you shall smell the mighty armpit of death!" 

"Aye sir," No'Sun agreed as Boobossa let go of him and turned to smile 

at Elizabeth revealing all of his teeth to be silver and gold. 

Elizabeth flinches, and covers her eyes with her arm.

"OMG WHERE ARE MY SUNGLASSES?!" She stumbles backwards. Boobossa closes 

his mouth.

"Sorry, lass."

"Eh, it's okay..well, I have come to negotiate the cessation of 

hostilities against Port Abella."

"Duhhh.."

"Leave and never come back."

The pirate/aliens laugh. 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No."

Elizabeth gets flustered.

"Alright then. We'll just see what happens when I do this."

She goes to the side of the ship and opens the door. She reaches under 

her pajamas to get the Underpants. The pirate/aliens 'ooh.' She holds 

them out the door.

"I'll drop them."

"Hm. I recognise that smell and it's importance. Why?" Boobossa is 

intriqued.

"Because it's what you've been searching for for, erm, however long 

it's been that you've been searching for it."

"Mayyyyyyyyyybe."

"Well, then, if these are so worthless, I guess I shall just..drop 

them."

The crew looks around and just whistles. She goes to drop them. Their 

eyes widen. She catches them.

"Not important?" She asked with suspicion.

"What's your name?" Boobossa questions.

"Elizabeth.." She didn't want to tell her last name. "..Cheesehead. I'm 

a maid for the Swann house."

"Hm. You've got bling for a maid."

"Thank you."

"Ah, and the undies. I suppose you found those while cleaning."

"Uh, yeah, sure. I'll go with that."

"If you hand those over to me, we'll go bye bye forever."

"Hm. Can I trust you?"

"You invoked the par-tay."

"So?"

"Well, yes. OR I WILL KILL YOU."

"K" She hands them over.

Boobossa grins and winks to No'Sun, then makes a fist but leaves out 

the pinky and thumb and puts it to his ear mouthing the words 'Call me'. 

Blah blah blah No'Sun tells the crew to prepare the ship and they go to 

take off.

"Erm, aren't you gonna take me back to shore?" Elizabeth asked.

"Nope."

"Aw, poopie."

Boobossa grins at her, and, again she sheilds her eyes and stumbles 

back. Boobossa realises this and shuts his mouth.

"Sorry." He apologizes.

"Eh, it's okay." 

"Anyways, Welcome to the Black Apollo, Ms. Cheesehead."

Elizabeth stares. She's askurred. 

**

Will sees all the destruction in Port Abella, all the burning ships and 

buildings. All the people running.. He busts into the Swann house.

"Ms. Swann! Elizabeth!?" He yells.

No answer. He runs to Norrington's office. Like that'll help..

"Norrington! Elizabeth! They've taken her!" He screams.

Norry, Swanny P., Gilette, Murtogg, Mullroy, and a few other thrown in 

characters are sitting there singing Kumbaya.

"Yup." Norrington looks up from the back of a box of Cap'n Crunch. 

"See, here's this map I found." He points to an area on it. "This is where 

we are, and this is where SHE is."

"Um, dude?" Will interrups.

"Yes, Legolas?"

"That's..a box of cereal. Not a real map."

"Oh." Norry looks at the box in dissapointment for a moment then throws 

it over his shoulder. "Poopie."

"We will have to HUNT THEM DOWN! AND THEN KILL THEM AND ROAST THEM OVER 

AN OPEN FLAME LIKE A PIG!!" Will insists.

"Have you taken your medication, lad?" Mullroy asks.

Will hangs his head in shame. "No."

"I don't know where we'll start. We are, you know, just a bunch of old 

farts." Swanny P. added.

"But..that Jack Sparrow fellow mentioned the Black Apollo." Murtogg 

suggests.

"Ah, that Sparrow man. Trust him, I don't think we can. You know he 

tried to kill my daughter, which would make me a lonely father." Swanny P. 

insists.

Everyone gets quiet and stares at him.

"That was lame." They all criticize.

"Shut up." Swanny P. replies, almost crying.

"Uhhh..Isn't Jerry in jail?" Norrington asked.

Will pitched a fit. He runs around the room and on the walls. He even 

thrusted his wrist and a substance strung out and stuck to the ceiling 

and he crawled along it, hissing. He jumped down screaming.

"Boy, get out. Go home." Norry tells Will.

Will walks away crying. Aww.


	9. Willy's Got a Girlfriend

Hm I don't know if you guys get some of these jokes I make in here 

because you may not have seen the movie 7 times. *glares at Breann*

******

Will walks around sobbing. He walks up to the ledge where Jack is, 

unknowingly. He sits down and sees Jack.

"Hey *sniff* Jack!"

"CAPTAIN Jack."

"Yep. So, you know anything about the Black Apollo?"

"Somewhat."

"Where is it?"

"It's berthed on Isle va la matanza usted mismo. You can't find it and 

the only way to go there is to know where it is already.

"The ship's real, so it must be at a real place. WHERE IS IT?!?!?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"I dunno, just thought you would know."

"Oh, ok. But you're way into this."

"They took Ms. Swann."

"I knew it. You DO like her. Ooohhh Willy's got a GIRLFRIEND! Will and 

Elizabeth sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!.."

"Shut up! Not uh! No I don't!"

"Yes huh! Yeah you doo!! HAHAHA WILLYS GOT A GIRLLLLFRIEND!"

Silence.

"You're name is Cheesehead." Jack says out of nowhere.

"Yes. Will Cheesehad."

Jack smiles.

"You know what, Will Cheesehead..I'll take you to the Black Apollo."

"w00t!"

They get up, but Jack forgot his stuff. He picks it all up.

"My b." Jack acts embarrassed.

"Why are you bothering with that?" Will asks.

"Becauuuseeeeeee I wanna!"

"K"

"Oh, before we go, I just want to make sure. How far are you willing to 

go for her?"

"I'd die for her."

"Good. Very, very good." Jack rubs his hands together menacingly whilst 

cackling. "Hahahahah! Ow! My callus!"

*

"Ooh, the Happy Dude. What a beautiful sight." Jack hops in the boat. 

"Come aboard."

"k." Will goes to step in the boat. The boat rocks slightly, making 

Will more nervous. He cries and grabs onto Jack. His knuckled turn white 

from the grasping. Jack shoos him off and Will finally finds a 

comfortable spot.

"Wait, we're going to steal that ship?" Will asks.

"Commandeer, bitch." Jack replies.

"It's still illicit."

"Yeah? You're becoming a pirate no matter how much you ignore it."

"Aw, poopie."

**

The Happy Dude bobs along side the Hauntless. The Happy Dude nears the 

rudder of the Hauntless, which is a much larger ship. Jack and Will 

jump from The Happy Dude, to the Hauntless. 

"Nobody move! This is a stick up!" Will exclaims, holding up pistols 

and wearing a knee-high on his head.

"No, Will. It's not a stick up. We're taking over the ship." Jack turns 

to the crew who are on the floor. "Get up. We're just taking over the 

ship."

The crew gets up, and dusts themselves off. They mumble to eachother 

stuff like, "Oh, good. We're not getting held up." 

Gillette, who happens to be the Lieutenant, steps foreward.

"You're serious about this." He asks in a statement.

"Dead serious." Jack replies. He gets shot at. "Hey!"

"You said dead."

"Well I meant that I was serious."

"Oh. Well, this ship cannot be overtaken by only two men, you realise."

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah?" Will gets closer. Jack takes him by the 

shoulder.

"No. Don't do that."

"Don't kill my men." Gilette insisted.

"Oh, don't worry. We brought you guys a nice little boat to get to 

shore with." Jack calls to will. "We got ourselves a ship."

They both high five.

"Sir, Norrington, holy shit. Someone's over there stealing your ship!" 

Swanny P. informs.

"WTF?" Norry replies.

"Yizzep" 

Norry takes out a stethescope and looks into it. Swanny P. looks at him 

funny.

"Dude, yo, man. You're using it wrong. You gotta go like this to listen 

to the strong..?" 

Norrington gives him a blank look.

"Stop rapping."

Swanny P. looks at it and sees that it's a stethescope and what he 

wants is a TELESCOPE. He reaches into his back pocket and grabs one.

"Ah, Fubu." He hands the telescope to Norry.

Norrington looks into it the wrong way. 

"I don't see anything. Everything's too far away."

Swanny P. takes the telescope and turns it around. 

"Ah there we go. Thanks. But, they're not taking over the ship. Infact, 

they're helping the crew ON to the ship. I suppose they fell overboard 

and they are helping them back. Oh, how nice!

Swanny P. takes the telescope from him and looks into it. He sees the 

crew go from the Hauntless to the Happy Dude.

"Man, what you said..if it weren't for me you would be dead. You're not 

to smart, you're not to bright. Nothing about you seems quite right."

Swanny P. explains the situation and his misunderstandings to Norry. 

Norry sighs with releif.

"Ohh haha cool!"

He looks into the telescope and sees Will.

"Rash, Turner. Hey, rash? Why is that in the script? Are they making 

fun of my rash?"

Whispering as for the camera not to hear, Swanny P. mumbles to Norry. 

"No forget about it. Just go to your next line."

"What?" Norry asks. "Oh, just keep going, okay. Yeah Jack's a bad 

pirate."

ON THE HAUNTLESS

Jack leans on the wheel, and then we start to see some pelvic 

thrusting. Will looks over and his eyes widen.

"JACK, NO HUMPING THE SHIP!"

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, to you." He stops humping.

Will looks back.

"They're coming!"

Norry's smaller ship sails next to the Hauntless, the deck appear 

empty. Sailors draw the two ships together. 

"Yeah, search the boat and stuff." Norry commands the sailors.

Jack and Will jump over the side to get away. They swim to another 

boat. They find one smaller than the Hauntless and climb aboard to find a 

watchman. Jack tackles him from behind and covers his mouth.

"Can you swim?" He asks.

"Mfdkpw mppwhhhphffks?" The watchman replies.

"What? Stop mumbling!"

"Mphh rrrmsppp sjadgi!!!! Jjdaf!! Ikjewfk!"

"WOULD YOU STOP MUMBLING, MAN? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!!!!!!"

Will walks up to Jack.

"Jack, I beleive you should uncover his mouth to get your answer."

"CAPTAIN Jack. And thank you." Jack uncovers his mouth.

"As I was saying, yes, I can swim. See, I used to spend my summers as a 

lad by the ocean and lakes at my father's beach house. It was grand 

fun. Why, I remember me and the little neighbor girl used to play 

mermaids. Oh how fu..."

Jack recovered his mouth. Will high-fived Jack. Jack throws the man 

overboard. As he falls you can still hear, ". that was! Indeed! We swam 

and swam and played until night..." SPLASH!

  


  



	10. Jockstrap Bop

Hm. No one seems to be commenting. This makes me sad. -hint hint-

ps. 

*****

"Sailors!" Norry calls out. "Go back to swabbing the Poop Deck..and, 

uh, pooing the swab deck..and, erm, sailoring stuff."

The sailors look at him, look at eachother, and go back to work 

whistling. One, either brave, or very stupid, sailor tries to swing across the 

deck. He makes a big splash in the water. The crew looks over. Norry, 

and Gilette hold up signs. They look around for the third judge to see 

Jack flailing his arm about waving to them. He shows them his sign. They 

show him theirs. Norry's says "6.3," Gilette's, "7.1," And Jack's, 

"9.8."

ON THE BLACK APOLLO

Pintel enters the room Elizabeth's in. He's carrying a bib.

"The captain requested you wear this to dine." He informs.

"Nope." She replies.

"Fine. Then you'll have to eat naked."

Her eyes widen.

"Really, now..." She says as if interested.

His eyes widen.

"No. Just take it. No eating whilst nude." He runs out the door. 

She takes the bib, looks at it, and puts it on.

In the captain's cabin, Boobossa and other pirate/aliens stand there at 

the table full of food. Elizabeth enters clad in bib. "Yay." Boobossa 

notes.

"Dare I ask the state of it's previous owner?" Elizabeth asks.

"Nope."

"K"

Elizabeth sits down, and daintly takes the eating utensils in her 

hands. She raises them as if about to eat. She goes in for the food, when 

she stops and throws them behind her shoulders and digs in like a pig. 

You see Raghetti with, yet another fork in his eye. 

"Uh..no need to eat so..daintly. You're not trying to impress 

anyone..here.." Boobossa states in disgust. "Try the wine."

She stops right then.

"Straight edge." She informs.

"Oh. Sorry. Have some apple then."

She takes an apple and brings it to her mouth to eat it. She stops.

"Heyyy wait a minute. This apple is POISONED!"

"Yeah, so?" Boobossa replies. "NO! NO I TAKE THAT BACK! I 

mean..it's..not..poisoned. EAT IT."

"K"

She takes a bite. She starts twitching and choking. She collapses on 

the floor. Boobossa is stunned by this. He looks at her on the floor. She 

jumps up.

"Just kidding!"

"Bitch."

"Hey..why aren't you eating?" She asks.

"I would if I could." He takes the undies and flags them in front of 

her face. She gags. "I suppose you don't know what these are then, do 

ya?"

"They're..underpants..?"

"Well, yes. But not only are they underpants, they're SPECIAL 

underpants. They are a peice to the dirty laundry of Isle va la matanza usted 

mismo. The laundry pile was cursed. Whoever takes a peice is cursed until 

it is put back and washed. One man did, however. He ran away and jumped 

a boat to a secret island. He was cursed for the rest of his life."

"What was the curse?"

"Ah, good question. Whoever has the curse placed apon them will turn 

into a has-been pop sensation."

Elizabeth gasps.

"Yes. I know." Boobossa states. "The man perished, but the undies 

didn't. They grew so powerful to curse the whole island. Whoever goes to the 

island is greeted with many annoying faux pop stars. The island where 

everyone kills themselves. Isle va la matanza usted mismo."

"Hm."

"My crew and I went there. We saw the undies, and took them. We found 

more laundry items along the way and we took them all, too."

"Well, what did you do with the garments?"

"We sold them on ebay."

"Oh."

"Yeah, it racked in a small fortune. Enough to buy our essentials: 

rock CDs, punk pand shirts, emo sweaters, et cetera. But when we bought 

them and put them on, the garments turned into NSYNC and Backstreet Boys 

shirts. The CDs turned into Britney Spears' CDs. It's a HORRID curse!"

"OH MY GOD!!"

"There is a way to remove the curse. To find all the dirty garments, 

and wash them together. We have all the garments, save these." He holds 

out the undies again.

"If the curse turns you into pop geeks, why aren't you..you know?"

"Ah, I'll show you. Follow me." Boobossa leads her into the kitchen 

where the crew is having a chugging contest to see who can down the most 

soda. Boobossa walks by one of the heavier men, as the man belches. The 

curse for Boobossa kicks in. He turns to face Elizabeth, and in a voice 

sounding of that of a black woman he sings what he says.

"The belch gas shows us for what we really are. A bunch of stupid pop 

stars. We've been like this for 10 years. I haven't been able to listen 

to my favorite music, or wear my favorite band's clothes, or even wear 

my emo sweaters!"

"That sux0r."

"Yep."

**

Jack and Will. They start talking.

"After I accidentally made my mom implode, I came out here searching 

for my dad." Will informed.

"Is that so?" Jack asked.

"Yep. Laampabop Cheesehead. Mom called him William in front of the 

humans."

Jack continues talking to his toes.

"I'm no stupidface. I know you know my dad. You agreed to help me when 

I said his name. Or did you? Oh well I forgot. But, uh, you knew him. I 

know it." Will insists.

"Cha I knew him, okay? We had an affair together. It was only once, 

then he broke my heart. He told me I was his experiment in his sexuality. 

But that's okay. I've gotten over it. I was one of the only ones to 

know him as Laampabop. Everyone else knew him as Jockstrap Bop."

"WOAH"

"Tell me about it. That's all I said after that night."

"Ew, stop, please, now."

"k"

  



	11. Oh, Piiiggieeee

TORTUREGA  
  
*  
  
The place is dirty. Algae all over the place, scum. Prostitutes, theives, old ladies, murderers, jaywalkers, penguins, penguin keepers, drunks, druggies, babies, wiggers and the like roam the streets. The scenery? Broken buildings with anarchy signs spraypainted on them, fires, and many animals running around: turkeys, zebras, do-dos, fish, black cats, superman and elvis impersonaters, my brother, llamas, iguanas, eels, school lunches and an almost-16-year-old-girl with too much free time skipping along the scene with balloons in her hand singing "I like to sing-a..about the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a.." as she trips and falls over the pier into the water and we never see her again. Okay, we will, but it was just REALLY fun to say that..  
  
Jack stands still in awe.  
  
"Jesus. I think we need to call Queer Eye for this city."  
  
Will gives him a weird look.  
  
"Damn pirates."  
  
Jack and Will step off the boat and onto the port of the town.  
  
"So..where are we?" Will asks.  
  
"I..uh..dunno." Jack Replies.  
  
They both stare with blank faces on until one of them, 5 minutes later, looks behind them and sees a sign enscripted with: "You idiots. You are in Torturega. Not to be confused with Tortuga, our counterpart."  
  
"How oddly specific."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Let's get some grub." Will interrupts.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
They frolic off into the faux forest until they run into a woman who happens to look and speak a lot like a man. Smells like one, too. She stops them.   
  
"YOU -radio edit- WHAT THE -radio edit- DO YOU THINK YOUR -radio edit- DOING? YOU MOTH..-radio edit- -radio edit-!" (S)he yells and slaps Jack and runs off gimp-like yelling and cackling.  
  
"Where there's one, there's hundreds more." Jack mumbles to himself, but so that Will could hear.  
  
Will stares.  
  
"Well.." Jack drops his stuff. "We're gonna need a crew." He sniffs the air. "Do you smell what I smell?"  
  
"Besides the low tide, mangled carsasses, and you?" Will asked half sarcastically.  
  
"Yes." Jack replied as he sniffs again. All of his muscles stiffen.   
  
"Allllcohollll.."  
  
As if in a trance, Jack makes off to the bar. Will follows. Jack opens the door and sees a middle-eastern woman. He looks at her. He recognises her. She looks at him. A smile comes over her face, or what you can see of it. A smile comes over his face, too. They gaze into eachother's eyes for a moment, then hers become shallower. She slaps him and walks off. Will stares.  
  
"Oh yeah. I deserved that." He adjusts his jaw.  
  
They both walk in and sit down at the bar. A bartender makes her way over to them. She takes one look at him, jumps over the bar, and dropkicks him in the face.  
  
"You stole my boat!" She yells.  
  
"AnaMaria! Have you seen gibbs?" He makes his way up, groaning. "I need to get together a.." She slaps him. "Well, see, I didn't steal your boat, I..well. okay, I did steal your boat.."  
  
AnaMaria darts at him. He runs around the table. She follows. He runs behind the counter. She follows. He runs behind an old couple. She follows.   
  
"STOP CHASING ME! IM SORRY!" He yells in fright.  
  
She inches her face this_ close to his. Her eyes turn from pure red, back to their normal color. She roars.   
  
"That boat, the Happy Dude. It was my pride and joy. She was like my child. You bring her back." She informs.  
  
"Sh..sh..she's safe at Port Abella!" Jack informs with fear. "You'll get her back!"  
  
"I'd better!" Her vampire teeth grow out from anger when she hears a voice.  
  
"Oh, Bartender!" Someone calls. Her eyes go back to normal and her face returns to it's natural beauty. Everything about her is normal again. She goes over to the lady who called her. "Yes, what would you like?"  
  
Will is at the bar watching the old game of croquet on the big screen rock. He turns around to get Jack after talking with a different bartender and wtaching the game at the same time.  
  
"Hey, Jack!"  
  
"CAPTAIN Jack."  
  
"Hey, Captain Jack!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"This man here..says he knows Gibbs."  
  
"Oh, really?" He makes his way to the counter.  
  
The bartender looks at Jack and nods his head.  
  
"WHAT IS THIS YOU KNOW GIBBS?" Jack yells.  
  
The bartender says nothing but motions for Jack to be quieter. He nods his head towards the back door.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU HAVE A CRICK IN YOUR NECK?"  
  
The bartender says nothing, yet again. His eyes widen as he tried to get Jack to shut up and take the hint that no one is supposed to know. Will speaks calmly to Jack.  
  
"Captain, I think that he is telling us that Gibbs is out back and that no one is supposed to know anything."   
  
"Ohhh gotcha." They both go towards the back door. The bartender smiles, nods, and hands the men a busket of ketchup. As they reach for the door handle, Jack turns around and yells, "THANKS FOR TELLING ME ABOUT GIBBS, SIR!"  
  
Will grabs him by the mouth to shut him up and throws him out the door and shuts the door. They look to see a man in a Navy uniform rolling about in the mud, playing, and bathing the pigs. They oink to eachother and throw mudballs. The man makes a mudpie. Will takes the bucket and throws it on the man. Jack gasps.  
  
"GIBBS!"  
  
"Hold on piggies. There's a HUMAN to talk to me." He turns from the pigs. "Yes?"  
  
"Why, 'ello, chum." Jack says cheerfully.  
  
"Hello..HEY! YOU'RE JACK! DIE!"  
  
"CAPTAIN Jack."  
  
"HEY! YOU'RE CAPTAIN JACK! DIE!"  
  
"I need a crew." Jack so politely informs.  
  
Gibbs laughs.  
  
"What's that for?" Jack asks.  
  
"Sorry..I was just remembering a joke Piggie told me. Did you say something?" Gibbs replies. Jack's frusteration increases.  
  
"Yes. I need a crew."  
  
Gibbs laughs again.  
  
"What, now?"  
  
"Well, all the decent pirates seem to think you are a jynx."  
  
"WHAT? WHY WOULD THEY THINK THAT?!" Jack stomps, causing himself to trip and land face first in the mud with a force to great, it covered Will. The bucket, flying overhead from the throw, lands on Jack's head.  
  
"I dunno." Gibbs replied.  
  
"Well, I'm going after the Black Apollo." Jack informs. Gibbs is shocked. He stares at Jack.  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"I'm going after the Black Apollo. I know where it is and I am going to take it."  
  
"Oh! I thought you said something about sandpaper and a watermelon. Hah. Silly me. Do go on."  
  
Jack stares. "No."  
  
"Hm. You silly man. Have you not heard all the stories about the cursed Black Apollo?"  
  
"Of course. That's how I know where it makes berth."  
  
"Ah, true, true."  
  
"All I need now is a crew."  
  
Gibbs giggles.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That rhymes."  
  
Jack sighs. "I have what Boobossa wants."  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
Jack comes closer and whispers. "See that young lad? That's the son of Jockstrap Bop."  
  
"You know what, Jack.."  
  
Jack coughs the word CAPTAIN.  
  
"You know what, Captain Jack. You are a crazy man. I will ifnd you a crew."  
  
"SCHWING!"  
  
------  
  
Will Jack be able to get the right crew?  
  
Will Gibbs and a swine condure up a relationship?  
  
Sad thing is, probably..  
  
Stay tuned and comment. 


End file.
